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【TOP 50】Joan Rivers Quotes - WhatsApp Status | Page-1

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My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know. - Joan Rivers Quotes

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Children Letters

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. - Joan Rivers Quotes

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

American Comedian Birth Funny

The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing. - Joan Rivers Quotes

The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

American Comedian Funny

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

American Comedian Funny

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon - Joan Rivers Quotes

A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

American Comedian Funny

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

American Comedian Funny Gifts

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief, and, most of all, fear - Joan Rivers Quotes

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief, and, most of all, fear

Anger

You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again - Joan Rivers Quotes

You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again

What a pathetic turn, ... Somebody ought to take that dress away from her. It's got Ronald McDonald's name on it. - Joan Rivers Quotes

What a pathetic turn, ... Somebody ought to take that dress away from her. It's got Ronald McDonald's name on it.

Dress

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

American Comedian England Funny

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. - Joan Rivers Quotes

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

American Comedian Funny

a good actress with real pathos. - Joan Rivers Quotes

a good actress with real pathos.

How could she not be happy? She was tall, thin, gorgeous and rich, rich, rich, with a husband who didn't want to sleep with her, two normal children and she had a crown. - Joan Rivers Quotes

How could she not be happy? She was tall, thin, gorgeous and rich, rich, rich, with a husband who didn't want to sleep with her, two normal children and she had a crown.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

American Comedian Chinese Funny

I am going into alligator alley. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I am going into alligator alley.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

American Comedian Editor's Pick Funny Quote of the Day

You could have had Rosie O'Donnell here to talk about how to be straight. Like no one knew she was gay. - Joan Rivers Quotes

You could have had Rosie O'Donnell here to talk about how to be straight. Like no one knew she was gay.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

American Comedian Funny

I just want to know. Who got all the jewelry? - Joan Rivers Quotes

I just want to know. Who got all the jewelry?

Get a pet, an animal you will love and one that will love you in return. In your home, there should be something besides the rugs to take care of. Get a pet that will stain those rugs and you'll have a happier home. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Get a pet, an animal you will love and one that will love you in return. In your home, there should be something besides the rugs to take care of. Get a pet that will stain those rugs and you'll have a happier home.

Home

Of course we are going to have to mention Brad and Angelina and ... Tom Cruise and the ever-loving Katie and that horrible Jessica Simpson or whatever her name is. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Of course we are going to have to mention Brad and Angelina and ... Tom Cruise and the ever-loving Katie and that horrible Jessica Simpson or whatever her name is.

[Calling him a] son of a b, ... Don't you dare call me a racist! I want an apology from you. - Joan Rivers Quotes

[Calling him a] son of a b, ... Don't you dare call me a racist! I want an apology from you.

Your anger can be 49 % and your comedy 51 %, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 %, the comedy is gone. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Your anger can be 49 % and your comedy 51 %, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 %, the comedy is gone.

Anger

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

American Comedian Funny Quote of the Day

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. - Joan Rivers Quotes

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

American Comedian Funny

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom. - Joan Rivers Quotes

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

American Comedian Funny Sex

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. - Joan Rivers Quotes

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

American Comedian Funny

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said,

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ""Get the hell off my property.""

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

American Comedian Funny Quote of the Day

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

Indian Poet Optimism

He who limps is still walking. - Joan Rivers Quotes

He who limps is still walking.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

American Comedian Funny

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

American Comedian Funny

Once you begin to believe there is help

Once you begin to believe there is help ""out there,"" you will know it to be true.

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined. - Joan Rivers Quotes

No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

American Comedian Funny

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

American Comedian Funny

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again - Joan Rivers Quotes

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers Quotes

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

American Comedian Funny

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy. - Joan Rivers Quotes

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.

Woman

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds - Joan Rivers Quotes

Is she fat? Her favorite food is seconds

Food

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking. - Joan Rivers Quotes

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

American Comedian Funny

Can we talk? - Joan Rivers Quotes

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found. - Joan Rivers Quotes

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

American Comedian Beauty Funny

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you. - Joan Rivers Quotes

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

American Comedian Clothes Funny

DonÃ¢â¬â¢t talk to me about ValentineÃ¢â¬â¢s Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass! - Joan Rivers Quotes

DonÃ¢â¬â¢t talk to me about ValentineÃ¢â¬â¢s Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

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